My boyfriend finds sex difficult after being raped by his ex-girlfriend

My boyfriend was raped and beaten up by his former girlfriend and, as a result, finds sex difficult. How can I help him get over what happened to him? How can I uncomplicate sex in his mind?

Unless you are an experienced, trained psychotherapist, you can’t. People who have experienced sexual trauma typically have difficulty feeling safe in subsequent intimate situations and, unfortunately, their abusers continue to hurt them with powerful fears and memories. Ideally, your boyfriend should seek expert help with the healing process. In the meantime, try to let him be the one to initiate, to chose when and where, to decide on the style and so on. This might be difficult for you – and you must certainly stop him if he oversteps your boundaries – but it may initially help to soothe his anxiety and fear.

For now, try not to assume positions of physical or emotional power during lovemaking sessions. Encouraging him to talk about what happened, and listening empathically, may help, but he may not want to discuss it with you. Do not push. If he does open up to you about it, remember to simply listen without advising. Psychotherapeutic work can help, and could make it possible for him to have a healthy sexual relationship. Without it, he will probably continue to be challenged by terrifying memories in any sexual situation. He – and you – deserve far better.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).

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